Locked Out

Isn't odd how a mood can be unaffected by it's environment? This morning I woke up at 7:30 to a loud thunderstorm, but instead of dwelling on the fact that I would be spending my day walking around in the rain, I was invigorated by the sound of the thunder and sight of lightning. It was a beautiful storm, and I was happy about it.
After the gym, class, and lunch I knew that my 1:00pm class was canceled so I should just head back to my dorm to relax and do some homework. It was a cheerful thought, until halfway back to my dorm I realized that I never grabbed my keys this morning. I rarely forget them, but today was just one of those days.

And yet, I'm still in a great mood. I know that when I see my roommate she has her keys so we can easily get in, and I have other places I can be until then. It's wonderful to have this feeling of happiness despite the little things going wrong. I'm not sure where it's coming from, but I'm thankful for it.

Actually, I think part of it might be conversation. Talking to people that I haven't head from in ages, and being reminded of the simple joy of not being alone in where I stand. It's a great moment to know that, though I'm not sure where I stand right now in all respects, I'm not the only one questioning and wondering about the world surrounding me.

Then there's an idea I want to steal that I saw on a friend's blog just a bit ago, it was an inspirationally happy idea, therefore I'd like to borrow it.

Right now I'm loving

~That tomorrow is predicted to be filled with sunshine
~I've got some amazing friends to spend time with tonight

~I'm able to wear flip flops =D

~ The song "Waka Waka" by Shakira

Practice What You Preach

I want to be a teacher. And not only do I want to be a teacher, I want to be the type of teacher that students enjoy my class, really learn something, and look forward to at least some of the projects and assignments. So I'm taking a lot of classes, doing a lot of reflection, and getting as much experience with kids as I can. However, I wonder why I am so excited to do this when clearly it is not required to be a "good" teacher to be a teacher.

I'm most frustrated because some of the professors I have at the moment cannot seem to take the time to notice and care about their students. Yes, I understand that this is college, but at the same time I find the fact that some professors cannot give one single word of encouragement or praise completely discouraging. College is challenging, and it is stressful, but I've been doing it for three years and trying my hardest. Right now I have classes that require a large amount of work and dedication, and I've been doing the best I can to keep up with them, spending the majority of my weekends on homework in preparation for the week. But no matter what I turn in anymore the comments I seem to receive are, "it could be better." Now, I am all about constructive criticism. In some classes I really desperately need to know what I can do better in order to be a better teacher and writer, but when I've spent about six weeks now working diligently and doing the best I can while not getting a single acknowledgement for doing anything right is a little more than I can handle. I'm beginning to dread getting papers and assignments back because I already know that the comments on them will do nothing more than take down my self-esteem and make me feel worse about myself. Because I already know that I am doing the best i can with the time I have in addition to my two jobs and volunteer activities.

So, I've been thinking about this, and trying to see how I can take these degrading experiences and grow from them, and I hope that I've found how these tear-filled experiences can be made worthwhile. Like I said in the first paragraph, I want to be a teacher. But I don't want to be the teacher that makes students cry because nothing they do is ever good enough. I want to encourage, because when I'm in an environment that's encouraging me is when I push myself the absolute hardest and do work I didn't think I was capable of. So I'm going to take these experiences, journal think and reflect on them, and I'm going to use them as the fuel to make me the best teacher I can be for my future students sake.

I want to take these moments, these times when I'm nearly ready to give up because I'm being told that I'm not good enough, and manipulate them into something valuable. Now I just need to hope for the strength to do it =)

Faithfully Yours

While I'm losing my faith in some ways, I'm actually gaining faith in others. Specifically, relationships with people. I've had trust issues for a long time, and most of my romantic relationships last for a very short amount of time, which does nothing to help my fears.

But right now things have been very different for me. I've been in a relationship with Nathan since December 2009, and no matter what we've come up against, what we had to deal with, or how bad things have seemed, we've always ended up stronger on the other side. It's Valentine's day today, our second one together, and as hard as it's been for me to learn to trust, I'm finally there I think.
We've learned from each other and about each other, and I can finally say that I completely trust another person. I believe in him to not hurt me and to continue loving me. It's, well, it's the most amazing feeling I've ever had. It's exhilarating to think that I can rely on someone to comfort me when things get rough, to hold me when I need to cry, and to love me faithfully as well.

"Forever and for always my angel through ups and downs, twists and turns. i will always be there for you my love" -November 2

Losing Faith

It's been an ongoing issue for me. I feel like I'm losing my faith. When I was 13 I was really introduced to Christianity. It was at my beloved Camp Judson in Erie PA, which became (and in some ways still is) the highlight week of every year. And when I was really introduced to Christianity I saw it as a religion of Love, Faith, Forgiveness, Hope, and being non judgmental. It made me feel so safe to think that no matter what, Jesus loved me, that no one could really judge me but God, and that there was reason to hope and have faith.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

But lately, it all seems so false. While I was in Egypt this summer I learned a great deal about the Muslim culture and religion, and had a great deal of firsthand experiences with those practicing Islam. These people were patient, welcoming, and for the most part loving. I also admired their desires to be modest, such as the clothing that men and women wear, mostly by choice. But in the United States, which claims to be largely Christian, there is very little modesty, a lot more hostility, and so much judgement.

Our culture didn't bother me much, but now it seems that so frequently in church, in everyday conversation, in speakers on campus, I hear people put down the practices of the Muslims. And the thing that bothers me most is, it seems to be out of ignorance. If people took the time to really learn more about the culture they're so quick to condemn, perhaps we could be more Christian.

However, that's only the reason why I'm losing my faith in the church. But I know that I'm actually losing faith in more than that. Earlier in my life I fully believed that God was there for me and I was his daughter. He would look out for me and never give me more than I could handle. Yes, this is a selfish view of it, but this is only a small portion of the beliefs I proclaimed. Now, however, I'm starting to wonder how much God really plays into where my life goes.

I want to believe, and I want my faith to return to me, which is why I've been continuing to attend church, continuing to pray, but lately it all feels hollow. It's nothing more than a motion, I feel no strong emotional or spiritual connection to it. I don't know where to go from here, and I'm not sure why it's changed in the first place, but I think that part of it is that I'm so tired of hearing that God takes care of and provides for his people, but then denies me certain things that I've always counted on having. Not taken advantage of, or didn't appreciate, but something that I counted on.

I'm not sure what to do yet, but I hoped that really writing out how I felt could help me to figure things out.