Nightmares

So for the last week I keep having those nightmares. You know the ones. You wake up heart racing, tears threating, and that conviction that it really happened.
Last week it was a threat to my love and my parents. And I couldn't save them both, I had to choose one or the other and the last thing that happened before I awoke? A gunshot. Aimed at me.
Horrifying, right? No wonder I couldn't go back to sleep.

Last night wasn't much better. I was pregnant, several months along, and had a giant huge belly that I constantly kept my hand over to protect. I was in jail by mistake, and scared to death, but then I went to the doctor and found out that my baby was dead.

I have no idea where these are coming from, no idea what they signify, and if they're warnings then I don't want to leave my house anytime soon. But I just can't understand what's going on. Normally I have some strange dreams, or ones that upset me a little bit, but I've never had truly terrible nightmares all so close together.

Any suggestion on how to get rid of them? Cause right now they're messing with my sleep cycle a little bit.

Love, Life, Lack of Time

Hello all!

So the weeks I feared have arrived. Everything is currently overlapping.

1.) My EDS 355 class, which is waking up at 5:30am and getting home at 4:30pm, is ongoing.
The plus side? I adore it, I love my kids and getting to learn more about Islam at the same time.

2.) Me the museum curator! When I'm not in Lexington for class, I spend my time at the Appalachian Center on campus assisting to create an exhibit on Appalachian literature. Not on is it really fascinating, it's also very hands on and comes with a lot of freedom, which i completely adore. I'm working with new poetry, fiction, and theater and tying it to artifacts.

3.) The internship for the Kentucky Women Writers conference *http://www.uky.edu/WWK/* which is just one day a week and has me reading new authors and new poets giving me more experience in literature, writing, and hopefully even in education when it comes time for the conference in September.

4.) Saving lives! Yep, lifeguard assessment, training etc is underway. Monday evening I spent two hours in the pool remembering my rescues etc. It was a lot to remember since I got my certification over a year ago. But I did pretty well and I'm excited for the pool to open so I can get to work work. I'll be there full time this summer, plus still doing the internship and hopefully 5 hours a week as a curator still.

So, yep, my life has gone crazy busy, but I can't really complain. I love all the new experiences and new excitement that are happening!

Hope summer is starting off well for everyone else! Es-salaam Alikuum

Bunny Photo Shoot

So today I had Juliet out for awhile and while she was out I thought I'd take some pictures of her. Of course, I couldn't resist the urge to share =)

Inspiration

So today I was on stumbleupon and came across an idea that really resonated with me. It's a blog about what you would have said * wouldhavesaid.com *

In my case, it made me think about things that I wish I would have said. More specifically, I'm thinking this year a lot about my papa. When I was 15 he passed away, and he was one of the most important people in my life. He was always there for me and I can't begin to really describe why he was important to me. As important as words are to me, they fail me here.

But I decided to write a letter. To express myself and how I've been feeling.

Dear Papa,

If you were still here there would be so much I would say to you. I don't even know where to begin. First off, if I could change the past, the last words I would say to you would certainly be "I love you." I didn't know that it would be the last time I saw you, and the fact that I never said goodbye still haunts me to this day. By the time I saw you again you were nothing more than a body, and I'd lost my chance to say farewell.
But I know I have to let that go. I can't hold on forever to the fact that I didn't get my goodbye. So I just have to trust that you know how much I love you and know that I miss you. I think you'd be proud of me though. I graduated high school, and I got accepted to a good college. I've worked really hard in the last five years to try to make something of myself. I just finished my junior year of college, and I'm officially a college senior. I'm right on track with where I need to be to be a high school English teacher and a writer. I get good grades and work hard, I also learn a lot. And I'm working a lot too, I've worked at so many different jobs lately so I'm really building us a resume. I think you'd like hearing about some of them, particularly this summer when I'll be lifeguarding.
And you, more than anyone else in my family, always wanted the best for me. You wanted me to have everything and you absolutely spoiled me. I miss that now. But I think it would make you really happy to know that I think I've found the guy I want to marry. He's really good to me, and he does everything he can to make me happy. I love him very much, and I've told him about you. He lets me cry when I talk about you, and he tries to understand why you were so important to me. He doesn't totally get it, and I don't see how he could, but he really does try for me.
Yet that makes me still sadder. Because when we get married, we both want a family. I can't wait to have a baby, and create a family. And while I've always been excited for that future, when I was younger I always expected you to be there as a papa to my kids. You were so patient and loving with me, I always wanted my kids to experience that as well. It's hard to think that they'll never know you. Never get to experience your love and affection. I have so many amazing and wonderful memories with you and I never want to forget them. I still remember your laugh, that you would scratch my back, that whenever I went away, even at the worst of your Alzheimers, you asked about me and never forgot who I was.

I miss you and I love you. I wish you were going to be here, but I want to thank you for all the memories and all the times that you let me know how much you loved me.

Millie-pie, age 21.

Picture Editing Makes Me Smile

So I spent some of my evening watching The Rocky Horror Picture show and just relaxing. And I've been finding a lot of really good quotes lately, so I decided that in the last few days that I still actually have Picnik Premium, I would do some final edits.

Thunderstorming Afternoon

After a couple days of intense heat and sun, I'm glad to see the thunderstorms roll in. Something about rain just seems so very cleansing to me. It's like washing away the dirt and grime at the end of a tough day and making things clean again.

So maybe tonight when I get home from work I'll convince that boy of mine to dance with me out in the rain and welcome the weekend <3

Es-salaam alikum

I was hiding under your porch because I love you

So I think every so often I'm entitled to an "I love love" post. Just sometimes lol

Nathan and I have been living together for about three weeks now, and to me it was kind of a test. How do we do when we don't have nights to ourselves? Will it be too much to be together all the time? Can our personalities mesh?

And, honestly, I'm so happy. Yes, there are moments when he leaves his clothes all over the floor or won't wake up till past noon and I can feel that annoyance, but otherwise I'm completely happy. I love that he's the last thing I see before I fall asleep at night and the first thing I see in the morning when I wake up. I love that he cooks dinner for me, helps me out around the house, and feeds the bunnies for me when I have to get up really early and leave.

Today we went out grocery shopping and to get some other basic things, and he surprised me with a single red rose. When I asked what it was for, he said just because I deserve it. And, to me this was the most powerful gesture of love, the first day I was going up to Lexington Universal Academy I was nervous. I wasn't sure what to expect and had never seen the school, and he knew that. So my alarm went off at 5:30am, I started getting ready and putting on my hijab, and my boyfriend who prefers to sleep till noon woke up, pulled me into his arms for a hug and a kiss and told me not to be nervous that it would be a great day and that the kids would love me.

It calmed me, at least a little, and I was so grateful that he woke up to begin with. I expected him to sleep and not even notice I had left. I adore the little things like that, they reassure me that Nathan really is the love of my life and maybe we'll have the romance of Carl and Ellie in UP. We'll

have tough times, bad things may happen, but through it all we'll love each other and make each other happy.

Being Happy and Being Me

So it's been a little while since I've had anything to say about my life. But, I've actually been doing pretty well. Still dealing with a little drama and the feeling of being replaced, but I'm proud to say that I'm figuring out more about who I am in the process.

I finished up my junior year of college, as unbelievable as it seems even to me. I think I did well in all of my classes. But, that's not the exciting part. For summer 1 I needed to take an education class that would place me into an environment that I hadn't grown up in. So I'll be spending ten days at the Lexington Universal Academy, which is a K-8 Muslim school located in Lexington. My first day was this past Wednesday and I've fallen in love with the school. The students are amazing, the integration of religion with school makes this school more a community than just a school. The entire atmosphere is so welcoming and inviting, even to a non-Muslim, such as myself. But the interesting part?

Being there is giving me back some of my faith. Yes, they pray in Arabic instead of English. They believe Jesus was a prophet rather than the son of God, and they refer to God as Allah. But they connect every movement, every breath, and every action to God. They believe that the only way to paradise (heaven) is to reach a point where we all love each other. The connections, the power of prayer, and of course the power of love, have let me do a lot of thinking.
I know, and I think I've always known that I believe in God. But, where I think I'm starting to differ from many other Christians, is that I believe Allah is the same God as the God of Christianity. And Judaism, and other religions. To me, I suppose the exact details aren't what's important. I have believed that Jesus is the son of God, and that he gave his life to pay for our sins, but I can't believe that Muslims are completely wrong. Just because they believe in the prophet Muhammad doesn't, to me, mean that they are condemned to Hell or that they are any less deserving of God's love. They have found a different way to worship Him, and they do so faithfully.

And I really think that a goal for myself this summer is going to be to learn about other religions. Because there are things that are so similar from Christianity and Islam. I'm hoping to take full advantage of my time at LUA to learn more about Islam. But here's one thing I really feel a need to share. There are 5 pillars of Islam, and one is charity. Muslims are called to be charitable to those less fortunate (which is similar to a Christian thought). But a quote from the prophet Muhammad is "Even meeting your brother with a smile is an act of charity."
Isn't that a wonderful thought? To me it was inspiring, because as a college student I have very little money to offer to anyone else. I barely have enough to get myself by. However, no matter how poor I may be, I can always offer a smile. It just really stuck with me, and I took it to heart.

Well, I think I may be writing a lot more lately, and I know that I do want to pursue this more, because I am absolutely certain that I want God in my life, and I know that I need to keep pushing into this and talk to people. I think conversation could be a very useful tool to me through all this.

Es salaam Alikuum (Blessing and Peace be upon you in Arabic)