In my case, it made me think about things that I wish I would have said. More specifically, I'm thinking this year a lot about my papa. When I was 15 he passed away, and he was one of the most important people in my life. He was always there for me and I can't begin to really describe why he was important to me. As important as words are to me, they fail me here.
But I decided to write a letter. To express myself and how I've been feeling.
Dear Papa,
If you were still here there would be so much I would say to you. I don't even know where to begin. First off, if I could change the past, the last words I would say to you would certainly be "I love you." I didn't know that it would be the last time I saw you, and the fact that I never said goodbye still haunts me to this day. By the time I saw you again you were nothing more than a body, and I'd lost my chance to say farewell.
But I know I have to let that go. I can't hold on forever to the fact that I didn't get my goodbye. So I just have to trust that you know how much I love you and know that I miss you. I think you'd be proud of me though. I graduated high school, and I got accepted to a good college. I've worked really hard in the last five years to try to make something of myself. I just finished my junior year of college, and I'm officially a college senior. I'm right on track with where I need to be to be a high school English teacher and a writer. I get good grades and work hard, I also learn a lot. And I'm working a lot too, I've worked at so many different jobs lately so I'm really building us a resume. I think you'd like hearing about some of them, particularly this summer when I'll be lifeguarding.
And you, more than anyone else in my family, always wanted the best for me. You wanted me to have everything and you absolutely spoiled me. I miss that now. But I think it would make you really happy to know that I think I've found the guy I want to marry. He's really good to me, and he does everything he can to make me happy. I love him very much, and I've told him about you. He lets me cry when I talk about you, and he tries to understand why you were so important to me. He doesn't totally get it, and I don't see how he could, but he really does try for me.
Yet that makes me still sadder. Because when we get married, we both want a family. I can't wait to have a baby, and create a family. And while I've always been excited for that future, when I was younger I always expected you to be there as a papa to my kids. You were so patient and loving with me, I always wanted my kids to experience that as well. It's hard to think that they'll never know you. Never get to experience your love and affection. I have so many amazing and wonderful memories with you and I never want to forget them. I still remember your laugh, that you would scratch my back, that whenever I went away, even at the worst of your Alzheimers, you asked about me and never forgot who I was.
But I know I have to let that go. I can't hold on forever to the fact that I didn't get my goodbye. So I just have to trust that you know how much I love you and know that I miss you. I think you'd be proud of me though. I graduated high school, and I got accepted to a good college. I've worked really hard in the last five years to try to make something of myself. I just finished my junior year of college, and I'm officially a college senior. I'm right on track with where I need to be to be a high school English teacher and a writer. I get good grades and work hard, I also learn a lot. And I'm working a lot too, I've worked at so many different jobs lately so I'm really building us a resume. I think you'd like hearing about some of them, particularly this summer when I'll be lifeguarding.
And you, more than anyone else in my family, always wanted the best for me. You wanted me to have everything and you absolutely spoiled me. I miss that now. But I think it would make you really happy to know that I think I've found the guy I want to marry. He's really good to me, and he does everything he can to make me happy. I love him very much, and I've told him about you. He lets me cry when I talk about you, and he tries to understand why you were so important to me. He doesn't totally get it, and I don't see how he could, but he really does try for me.
Yet that makes me still sadder. Because when we get married, we both want a family. I can't wait to have a baby, and create a family. And while I've always been excited for that future, when I was younger I always expected you to be there as a papa to my kids. You were so patient and loving with me, I always wanted my kids to experience that as well. It's hard to think that they'll never know you. Never get to experience your love and affection. I have so many amazing and wonderful memories with you and I never want to forget them. I still remember your laugh, that you would scratch my back, that whenever I went away, even at the worst of your Alzheimers, you asked about me and never forgot who I was.
I miss you and I love you. I wish you were going to be here, but I want to thank you for all the memories and all the times that you let me know how much you loved me.
Millie-pie, age 21.
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